Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Disparity, Fear, and Other Ponderings

1) It is significantly warmer jogging at 9:00 in the morning than at 8:00. I'm just saying...

2) Karis just rolled over from her stomach to her back. This happens on occasion, but not on a regular basis...just keeping you updated. Ooh, she just did it again...maybe she's getting the hang of it! She is currently playing on her play mat. Sometime I'll put up a video of it because it is adorable. She just talks and talks and coos. She loves it.

3) The reason why I was jogging this morning at 9 instead of 8 was not because I slept in, it was because my neighbor's alarm started going off around 7:30 this morning (which prompted this post). I actually composed the post while running, but I don't think it will come out as well now that I'm here. (does anyone else accidentally type know for now and have to correct it? I do it every time.)
Just for authenticity and to give a glimpse of why I'm so all over the place, I'll let you know that I just took a break to feed my baby. Unlike you breastfeeding moms, it takes two hands for me to feed my child. The only other thing I can accomplish during feeding times is getting hooked on crappy TV. My latest is Teen Mom, although I justify it by saying that I am learning about adoption from the birthmother's point of view via Catelynn.

So, my neighbor's alarm was going off, and I called the police. You see, when we were robbed the first time, our alarm was not monitored and so basically it just sounded for a while and then nothing. I was very frustrated with our neighbors that no one had called the police, they just listened to it going off. This morning I was determined to be a good neighbor. Now, I couldn't tell exactly which house it was, and I wasn't about to go looking for which one, so I just sat at the front door watching for something suspicious and/or the police. FIFTEEN minutes later, a police car leisurely drove up. By this time another one of my neighbors had walked around trying to figure out which house it was. I tried to voice my frustration about the lack of a quick response, but at the same time be thankful that they DID respond, because sometimes that doesn't happen. I then went back inside my house and began a battle in my head over whether or not I could go anywhere (and therefore leave my house unoccupied) today.

See, I think about my patterns of coming and going, and the occupancy of my house WAY more than the average person and WAY more than I should. It just comes with being robbed regularly. I had actually been thinking the past few days that we are coming up on the one year anniversary of the last time that we were broken into. This is big, because we have never lived in the house for a full year without being robbed or broken into in some form or fashion. Honestly, because at some point in my life I became a pessimist, I was thinking that it is time for another one.

4) At Fellowship we are going through a sermon series called the God of Rest. It is about fear and worry and how it traps us. From the announcement of the title I have been in a state of conviction. Diaper change break... As I just announced in the previous paragraph, I worry constantly. It is a form of control for me. I somehow think that if I am thinking about it, or if I have thought through something all the way then there will be no surprises, therefore there will be no hurt.

What the sermons have been about have not been what you may expect. "Trust God, he will take care of you." That is true, but He won't always take care of you like you might want. Really they have been, "Trust God, He is good no matter what.

There are many lies floating around in our American Christian culture, but I think that one of the most dangerous is that if you follow Jesus, your life will be easy, safe, and comfortable. "Follow Jesus, he'll get you a good job." Follow Jesus, He'll keep you safe." Do you think that Isaac felt like God was keeping him safe when Abraham put him on the altar? Jesus told the rich young ruler to GIVE all he had to the poor, not invest it in order to build wealth and give the interest to the poor. Does God call all of us to give all we have to the poor? Does God call all of us to sacrifice our children on the altar of public schools or living in "unsafe" neighborhoods? No, he doesn't call all of us to the same thing. In fact, he rarely calls us to the same thing. The point is that a life of following Jesus is not safe, but it is GOOD.

And that is what my head battle is all about. I know that God is good and that His plan is perfect even when (especially when) it is hard. I know that if God were to choose to let us get robbed again, He would have a purpose in that, but I also know from experience that it would be hard and uncomfortable. The sinful side of me fights against being uncomfortable. So what I'm really struggling with/fighting is God's lordship over my life. I am fighting for my kingdom over His Kingdom. I am fighting for the temporary rather than the eternal and not trusting that He really is the most important.

It is very timely that I am having such a battle today with fear and worry, as Friday marks the court date for Karis' birthfather's default hearing. Without going into all of it, Friday there will be a hearing in which her birthfather could show up and claim his rights. It is not very likely, but it could happen. You better believe I can't stop thinking (worrying) about it. I keep trying to play out all scenarios in my head so that I won't be taken off guard by anything. It is all fruitless. Instead of spending all of that energy, I should give it to the Lord. He put her in our home. He knows what is best for all of us. I have to learn to trust. He has shown me in the past that His plans are best, but I am just like those Israelites complaining in the desert.

This is me being very vulnerable. Please keep in mind that I am very hard on myself.

Pray for Friday. Pray for her birthfather. Pray for us. Trust God, and live in light of His kingdom, not your own.

I guess I'll get to disparity later...


Wes Leyshon said...
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Wes Leyshon said...

I'm sitting here, a few blocks away reading your blog, in my relatively safe section of the neighborhood, thinking to myself, "I don't think any of my neighbors have alarms." Thank you for your honesty and perspective. You don't have to apologize for your introspection, for being hard on yourself. We get it. I've decided lately, that is the difference between the real haves and the have nots. The haves, have clarity of thought, conscience and a desire to become more, better. The have nots are too consumed with tasks, things, stuff to ever stop and ask real questions of themselves and of God. Throw me a line, I'm slipping into the have nots! :)
So glad things went "well" yesterday. -Heidi